Alone

So lately I feel alone. Not that I am mind you, I live with my Dad and Step-mom so there is someone always around at home and then when I'm not here I'm at school where there are lots of people. But even with having people around I feel alone. It is something inside. I can't blame others because it's not their fault. The feeling is mine and I'm the one who has to change it. The problem is I don't know how.

I guess the main reason I feel alone at home is because I'm not working. I'm basically existing on the whims and mercies of others. As much as I'd like to have a say and be able to make decisions I have to remember that it is not my place to do so. I guess that is one of the hard things about moving back to live with parents. You have to give up some of those freedoms. It's not bad though, because I don't have to worry about those things it makes it easier on me. Yet at the same time I see how much they weigh on my parents and I want to help shoulder the burden. But how does a child console and give the parent council?

At school I feel alone also. Oh I've meet people and most of them are amazing people, but I only see them briefly. Being in the program I'm in everyone else in class is working towards the same goal. These people will be my competition when I start to look for work. If I get to know them, about them, it will make it that much harder knowing that I'm trying to out do them for a job. Then on the other hand I can't just backdown and let them have things because I feel bad. But the commandment is to love your fellow man, to help your neighbor.

I've started going back to church also. Still there I feel alone too. The boundaries for the Ward I'm in just got changed so everyone is new. I should be on equal footing with them all but it doesn't feel that way. This one is my fault the most and there is no way around it. It is my feeling of inadequacy. I know where those feelings come from and that I should not be paying attention to them but at the same time they are there and when you hear them so often it is hard to tune them out.

Maybe I'm not as happy with my self as I thought I was. When I look at my self in the mirror I see two images. It is like that old Native American story, there are two wolfs fighting over meat but only one will be feed. Which one do you give the meat to? Like I said I know that the only one who can change this is me. I know that in order for me to not feel like this the change has to come from inside. Yet how do you change and not become someone those around you don't know anymore? When you've spent your life putting others first how do you put your self first?