Friday, April 20, 2012

Things I Have Shaped My Life, Part 3: Attitude

Attitude is an amazing thing. Based on the attitude one has determines how ones day will go. Little things can change it too, things that seem so small can have profound impacts on it. It is something that most people take for granted too. Something that is paid attention to in others but often overlooked in their selves. It is the one thing that people truly have control over but instead let others guide in the course of their day.

It may not come as a surprise to some of you but I used to really hate my self. I had allowed my attitude to become so bad that sarcasm and snideness spewed forth out of my mouth almost constantly. I could see nothing good in the world, and figured if I was going to be miserable all the time then those around me should be too. This didn't win me many new friends and put great strain on the friendships I had at the time. There are plenty of things I could blame for my attitude at the time, and I did.

After all I was sick and on chemo, my Mom had passed, and life in general wasn't going like I thought it should. Instead of reaching out and letting people help me I pushed away every hand that was reached out to me. I was going to live life on my terms. It's amazing, looking back now I realize my terms lead to even more problems. In the end they just made me more miserable.

I allowed my already  bad attitude to drag me down. If it wasn't for the friends who stayed by me through everything I might still be on the path of self loathing that had influenced me to chose that course of action. But it was because of these friends that the little things I needed to realize became clear to me.

I am worth it. So simple of a phrase. If others are willing to spend time with you, ask how you are, and make sure things are going okay, if they think you are worth it then who are you to say your not? People wont put the time or effort into something they don't see potential in. Everyone wants to be lifted up, made to feel better. Because people want to be lifted up they will find things that they think will do that for them. It isn't enough though for others to think you're worth it; you have to believe you are worth it. Just that little step can make a huge change in attitude. When you believe you are worth it you don't let things get to you as much. Sure there is still a challenge but you can over come it because you are worth it and whatever the challenge, well after it you'll still be worth it.

I've also learned that the way you dress and carry your self is an outward expression of your attitude. People can tell by looking at you what kind of experience interacting with you will lead to. But the more important thing is how it makes you feel. Dressing in clothes that are full of holes or look like you  slept in them just doesn't make you feel good. When you don't feel good about your self it leads to not having a very good attitude.

Of course others that cross the path of ones life have impacts on attitude too. You can't control how others will act others will treat you. The one thing that can be controlled though is how one acts with how others treat them. Just because others are having bad days or take things out on someone doesn't mean that it has to ruin the day. Instead of letting it bring you down look for ways to bring them up. Who knows, that little bit of niceness just might be what they need in the day.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Things That Have Shaped My Life, Part 2: Les Miserables

Music can stir the soul in a way few other things can. When a piece of music stirs you it stays with you always. The beauty of music is that the same song can have different meanings for all those that hear it. No two people will interput the song the same way. I credit my Mother for my love of music and musical theater. She was always pushing me to expand my horizons.

My first exposure to Les Miserable was not the musical however, instead it was a two part TV miniseries. My mom was instant that I watch it and I remember sitting down as a family to watch it. I was floored by the story. It's a redemption story like no other. I believe I was about 16 when I saw it. From that moment I knew that I would never look at things the same way again.

It would be after my Mom passed away that I would discover the musical. I would find the 10th anniversary CD at Fred Myers. Over the next couple of weeks I would just continue listening to the CD over and over.

Valjean would teach me that no matter what you have in your past you can overcome it. That every act of kindness helps build us into a better person. That we need to take care of others also. The things we are given to us are a gift, and that we need to use those gifts to better the lives of others.

Javert would teach me that you can not let hatred blind you to the world around you. That becoming so focused on one thing can lead you to ruining your life and the lives of those you come in contact with.

Thenardier would come to embody what happens when you aren't honest with your fellow men. That you reap what you sow.

This musical is something that I still listen to even today. The feeling one gets when listening to the wonderful songs is one of awe. The spirit of the music moves you from tears to laughter, to hope, to fear, and to overwhelming joy. I love this story, I love the music, and I love my Mom caring enough to force a teenage boy to watch that movie.\

Things That Have Shaped My Life, Part 1: My Father

Everyone has moments in their life when they feel on top of the world. Those moments where they fell like no matter what they can overcome anything and everything that life throws at them. On the opposite side of the coin is the feeling that regardless of what they do they can't overcome what is happening now. These are two extremes that regardless of who someone is feels at sometime. However some people feel one or the other more often then others and no two people have the same experience with these feelings.

We are the only ones who can control how we feel. Each choice we make has a direct impact on what the outcome will be. We can not dictate the outcome however, just influence it to be more in favor of what we would like. Even if the outcome isn't something we would like, we can still find a way to make it a positive experience. I've had many things in my life that have taught me this. One such thing is the relationship with my Father.

When I was little Dad would come home from work and I knew to leave him alone. He was tired from working all day and I didn't need to be underfoot. If Dad wanted to do something then he would let you know and come get me. We would have days where it was just us also. These were mostly hunting and fishing trips that just the two of us would go on. I never thought this was strange or different, I just figured this was the way it was.

Our relationship took its first strange turn when I was 15. That is when I was diagnosed with my eye problem. At first Doctors thought it was pink eye and treated for that. It would be two weeks of nothing changing before Doctors would decided it wasn't pink eye. After spending all day with me at Doctors offices we were told it was Acute Uveitis and that it would be a matter of time before I lost all sight in my right eye. My Dad has always been strong, I never really knew what he was thinking, but in that moment I thought I saw a flicker of fear for his child. I was scared beyond belief. Here I was 15 and being told I was going to most likely lose my sight and my Dad was scared.

However whatever he was feeling was replaced by the support I needed. He was there with me through every test, every hospital stay, and every Doctor appointment. It didn't matter what time, where, or how far we had to go if something went on with my eye he was there. He missed a lot of work to take care of me even though my Mom could have taken me to appointments. That is something I'll never forget, that my Dad cared enough to be there every step of the way.

The next big change we faced was losing my Mom in the summer of 2001. It was August and I was 17. It was the 11th of the month and I had just gotten back from camping with my friend Matt. My Mother wasn't doing well but it was my niece Mackenzie's 7th birthday party. My parents sent us to dinner without them. None of us children wanted to be gone for long because we were worried about Mom but at the same time we couldn't ruin Mack's birthday. When we got back to the house it was only a few hours before Mom was gone. None of us saw it coming.

That was the first time I had ever seen my Dad cry. In all my life up tell that point Dad had been the strong one. Now here he sat crying as the world around us seemed to be falling apart. I didn't know what to do. With everything that was going on I seemed to fall through the cracks. But even when his world was falling apart too he made sure that mine stayed together as much as it could. One of the first things he did that night was make sure I had somewhere to stay if I didn't want to go into the house. Even in his darkest hour he was watching out for me, trying to protect me.

That year that followed could not have been easy for him. I know I didn't make it easy for him. Even though I knew he cared about me I felt like I didn't really know him. Mom had always been the buffer between us, the common ground. Now here we were having to deal with each other on a level we never had to before. It was because of that love however that we were able to make it through. As much as I respected him before I came to respect him much more over the first few months of it just being us.

I almost lost him not even a year after I lost my Mother. He got very sick and ended up having three major surgeries. There was a time when the Doctors told us that we needed to be prepared that he could go at any moment. As much as loosing my Mom had hurt the idea of losing my Dad seemed to hurt even more. I wasn't ready for this. I was 18, I needed him still.

He got better but it was a long road to his recovery. I felt responsible that after all he had done for me that I needed to steep up and take care of him. Even though I was still struggling with my Chemotherapy I made it a priority to make sure the house was clean, groceries gotten, and meals prepared. I couldn't do much but I was determined to do what I could. My life could wait.

Then he married my Step-Mom when I was 21. This changed everything. I had focused so hard on taking care of my Dad that I didn't have the skills I needed to cope with not being responsible for things around the house. Neither had I really thought about leaving. But she made sure that I left. Instead of trying to find my own way I was thrown out into the world to sink or swim.

Luckily I've always had friends I can depend on. Somehow she was able to turn my Dad on me in the process too. I don't know what she said or what she did but I found my self cut off from him. It would remain that way for most of the time tell I was 26. While it was better for a while, now at 28 it seems to be at the point of where I'm tolerated once again.

When I came to stay with them in Utah so I could go to school things seemed like maybe they had gotten better. Yet the facade that had been built would come tumbling down on December 3rd of 2011. That was the day I was physically assaulted by my Step-Mom. I wont get into much detail but what matters is that I was able to see that I had already learned the lessons of compassion, love, strength, and tenderness I needed from my Dad.

While our relationship might not be as strong as it once was the lessons he has taught me can never be taken away. The memories I have of him are mine and deeply personal. I've seen where he has been and what he has done and can use those for guidelines in my own life. I will always be thankful for the things my Dad did to help shape my life.