I've often wondered how anyone can look around at the world and say that there is no God. Then I remember that I had been at a point where I had thought if there is a God he doesn't care, or maybe there wasn't one. It's really easy to get to that point, people don't realize that or if they do they chose to ignore it. I'm grateful that even through the times I doubted he never gave up on me and continued to bless me.
At sixteen I was diagnosed with an eye problem. My eyes and optic nerves were swelling and scaring. The worse part about the whole thing is the Doctors couldn't figure out why. I was hit with test after test. Cat scans, MRI, and spinal tap. You name it they did it to me trying to figure out what was wrong. Everyone kept telling me Heavenly Father would watch over me and help me get through this ordeal. I was sixteen. This wasn't what being this age was supposed to be about. I started to doubt at this point, i mean how could me possibly loosing my eyesight be a part of His plan for me?
I tried praying and I kept getting the same answer. That things would work out. How could they though when the Doctors couldn't find the cause of the problem? It made no since. As I was put on medicines that made me sick I thought for sure that the voice I was hearing was my own telling myself what I wanted to hear.
Then right before I turned 18 my Mom passed away and I was back on my meds for my eyes. I was still praying and trying to figure out what was going on. Why was I having to go through all this? What was the point? I mean Heavenly Father is supposed to want the best for us, how was this the best for me? Again I got the answer that everything would be fine and it would be revealed in time. Well I didn't want to wait, I wanted the answer now.
Alaska came after that. It was there that I got my answer. That was when I really came to know God. Partially through study and also through just being in a place that you could see His marvels abound. Once I had my answer I thought that was it. I had gotten what I was looking for so I could stop trying so hard. But by stopping I started thinking more about how I was going to do things, how I was going to get what I wanted. It was about me and I didn't care about the people I hurt along the way. I became very hard hearted and wasn't worried about anyone but me.
I had glimpsed the truth and chose the quick and easy path instead of working for something that mattered. I wanted satisfaction now. That was a very dark time for me. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. However if I could go back and change it I wouldn't. Those things I wont talk about here, but it is enough for me to say that because of them I was able to learn even more.
Moving to Utah I meet a man at school who reached out to me. He touched my life in such a gentle way and showed me what it was that was making me so miserable. Because someone cared to reach out to a stranger my life has improved so much.
I had the light and I chose the dark. That is part of the beauty of what God does. He loves us enough that he is willing to let us make our mistakes, he isn't going to force us to do the right thing. People ask why he allows bad things to happen to good people. To them I say because he loves us he allows each of us to chose, sometimes the choices people make lead to bad things happening. He will hold each of us accountable for what we chose.
I know there is a God. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. There is no doubt it my mind. I still don't know the full reason why things have to happen the way they do, but I do know that each step along they way he wants to be there for us we just have to let him. If life was easy we would never grow, if life was fair we wouldn't appreciate what we had, if there was no sadness we could never know joy.
I watch my Father and see how much pain he goes through because of his children when we do something that leads to a bad end. I see him want to rescue us but there isn't anything he can do to make it better. I can only imagine what our Father in Heaven feels.
I watched as his son was suffered in the garden for us. He stood by as his son was beaten and taunted. He allowed them to nail him to a tree. He did this so we might have a way back to him. Christ was willing to do this for us. The love they have is amazing and at times I don't feel I'm worth it. I am though. God loves us, Christ loves us. I know this and I had to share it. I don't know how well I did but I hope that you can feel their love as much as I do. I am so grateful to have their love in my life.
