Waiting for the darkness

I'm still awake at 11:17 pm. I should be asleep, resting for the morning so I can wake up fresh and ready to take a test for my psyc class. But I can't sleep. I can't sleep cause my mind wont shut off. It would be great if I could figure out how to silence it. I often wonder about some people and how empty their minds seem. I wonder how they can be content to go through life like that. I also wonder about people who are so encumbered by worry that they never smile. The only thing they seem to enjoy doing is worrying even more and don't know what to do if there is nothing to worry about. My mind wonders. Focus on sleep. That is the goal.


Goal, yes goal. Graduation. Oh how wonderful that will be. To actually be able to say I did it for my self. That it was my hard work that got me to that point. That stupid class. That psyc class online that makes me want to pull my hair out because it makes since and none at the same time. Not again, mind wondering. Must get it back onto thinking about sleep.


Sleep, I wonder how those in power sleep at night. I mean how can they look in the mirror and be okay with themselves? They are put in by the people to represent the people but in the end they represent themselves. Why punish the people cause they can't do their job, why not stop there own pay and take that money to pay those who have earned it with years of hard work.


Hard work, oh I wish I could find work. I hate waiting. I nailed that interview. I should have the job now. I shouldn't have to wait. Wait. Yes I'm waiting for sleep. Sleep wont come with thoughts going through my head. I need to sleep. I wont sleep though. Not soundly. I'll toss and turn and wake up feeling like I haven't sleept. Maybe I shouldn't sleep. Wait to sleep when exhaustion overtakes me.


I can't do that. Close my eyes and focus on sleep. That's what I need to do. Restless sleep is better then no sleep.

To Dream

I close my eyes and wait for sleep
I dare to dream and let my mind fly
Yet bound to Earth and cares not mine
Tortured by things I cannot control
I close my eyes and wait for sleep
Oh open damn eyes and see the light
Darkness blinds letting hatred grow
I dare to dream and my mind fly
Not dreams but nightmares plag my mind
Atrocities abound across the canvas of my sleep
I close my eyes and wait for sleep
I am not sleeping, I am not dreaming
I am awake, and I weep

What friendship means to me

Friendship to me isn't just about being there when things are good, but also when things are bad. It's putting up with some of their stupid quirks because they put up with yours. It is wanting to see them happy even if it means they walk away from you. Sometimes someone being happy means that you only play a small part in their life.

A cool little auction site

This auction site is actually pretty cool. It's free and a good way to just get rid of stuff you don't want anymore. You earn points and sell in points. It's kind of like a big trading site.

more free stuff on Listia

Job Interview on Tuesday

So I have a job interview and I'm really excited. It's at Toys"R"us, only part time but it's exactly the kind of job I need while in school. It is a group interview so I'm a little nervous but I'm sure I'm going to nail it. Practicing that technique of already picturing you have it so good vibes follow. I want this job so bad.

About Me

You know I've always just assumed if you are reading this blog you know me. That you know where I've been, where I'm at, and where I plan to go. Then it dawned on me that maybe you found this by accident. Or someone linked you to it, that maybe you found it searching for something else. Well then it would seem that this blog is really random. So let me give you a little run down.

The name of the blog, No Ordinary Human, refers to a line in the British show Doctor Who, of which I am a fan. "There is no such thing as an ordinary human" he says in an episode called The Lazarus Experiment. It really it me so I thought I would use a variation of it for my title. We are all unique and contribute something to this world. For some it is something great that changes the world, for others it is something small that changes them and those around them. So I try to remember that. That I'm more then ordinary.

Now with the explanation of my title out of the way I can tell you a little about me personally. I'm 27, be 28 in October. I'm the youngest of four children and the closest in age to me is 14 years older. Two brothers and one sister. I've always been closer to my sister then my brothers. They are all married and have children of their own. Two nieces and five nephews total.

I'm currently enrolled in school at Stevens-Henager College. I'm working on my degree in Graphic Design. I've just started and loving it so far. There is a lot of work but when your working towards something you love it doesn't seem as hard. I've always had a more artistic side even though my drawing skills at times leave something to be desired. Graphic Design isn't all about drawing though so I will find my spot in it I'm sure. My dream job would be working at Wizards of the Coast doing book layouts and such.

I just moved. Well by just I mean about three and half months ago. But it's still pretty fresh here. So with a move comes looking for work. It is proving a little harder then I thought it would. However head up and trying to be positive. It will happen. After all the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Hobby wise I have quite a few but as of late I have not really partaken in a lot of them. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and G.I. Joe are both something that I've collected since I was a kid. They have become more of just collecting the comics as of late. I'm a nerd. Plain and simple. I also like to write. That has sufferd to as of late. It is something I should try and do way more then I do. I need to make an effort towards it. Readin, loving reading. If I don't have three books going at once I feel I'm falling behind. Like to camp. Haven't been in a while with moving around as much as I have in the last few years. Animals, I think they are great. Playing with the dog we have is a great thing.

And I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. For those not familiar with that church, well most people refer to us as Mormons. Now I want to clear one thing up, and that is yes we are Christians. The name of our savior is in our church's name, the only way to salvation is through Him. It is because of His atonement we can be saved. Now I'll get off my soap box. We are just as normal as everyone else. There are those out there that say religion is a crutch for those to weak to stand on their own. To them I say, I know that there is a God based on what I've seen. Go stand on top of a mountain and look out across the view below, look under the ocien at all the different aquatic life with their colors and homes, look into space and then look me in the eye and tell me it was all an accident.

Anyway I think that gives you all a little view about me. I hope you learned something. I look forward to posting more in the future and sharing more of my self in each post and thought I put up. I hope you enjoy your time with me.

Alone

So lately I feel alone. Not that I am mind you, I live with my Dad and Step-mom so there is someone always around at home and then when I'm not here I'm at school where there are lots of people. But even with having people around I feel alone. It is something inside. I can't blame others because it's not their fault. The feeling is mine and I'm the one who has to change it. The problem is I don't know how.

I guess the main reason I feel alone at home is because I'm not working. I'm basically existing on the whims and mercies of others. As much as I'd like to have a say and be able to make decisions I have to remember that it is not my place to do so. I guess that is one of the hard things about moving back to live with parents. You have to give up some of those freedoms. It's not bad though, because I don't have to worry about those things it makes it easier on me. Yet at the same time I see how much they weigh on my parents and I want to help shoulder the burden. But how does a child console and give the parent council?

At school I feel alone also. Oh I've meet people and most of them are amazing people, but I only see them briefly. Being in the program I'm in everyone else in class is working towards the same goal. These people will be my competition when I start to look for work. If I get to know them, about them, it will make it that much harder knowing that I'm trying to out do them for a job. Then on the other hand I can't just backdown and let them have things because I feel bad. But the commandment is to love your fellow man, to help your neighbor.

I've started going back to church also. Still there I feel alone too. The boundaries for the Ward I'm in just got changed so everyone is new. I should be on equal footing with them all but it doesn't feel that way. This one is my fault the most and there is no way around it. It is my feeling of inadequacy. I know where those feelings come from and that I should not be paying attention to them but at the same time they are there and when you hear them so often it is hard to tune them out.

Maybe I'm not as happy with my self as I thought I was. When I look at my self in the mirror I see two images. It is like that old Native American story, there are two wolfs fighting over meat but only one will be feed. Which one do you give the meat to? Like I said I know that the only one who can change this is me. I know that in order for me to not feel like this the change has to come from inside. Yet how do you change and not become someone those around you don't know anymore? When you've spent your life putting others first how do you put your self first?